Funny Memes Quotes Lines Collection (Page 3) | Quotsagram

8000+ sports to play but still people choose feelings

You can't drink all day...If you don't start in the morning.

I told myself that I should stop drinking. But I'm not about to listen to a drunk that talks to himself.

The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

I feel  like water solves all problems.Wanna lose weight?drink water.tired of your man?drown him.

Sometimes I question my sanity, but the unicorn in the kitchen told me I'm fine.

When you try your hardest not to be a f**ker, but everyone you deal with is a f**ker,so you end up being a bigger fucker just to outf**k the f**kers.

You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.

Me after death: slams gates of hell open, takes off shoes, high fives Satan. "I'm home.what's the fucking WiFi password?

Is google a "boy" or a "girl"? obviously a girl, because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

Most people write "congrats" because they don't know the spelling of "congrajulashions"

Think about it: every single corpse on Mt.Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy my friends.

After clipping my toddler's fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

Teacher:where's your book?student:at home teacher:and what is it doing there? student:having more fun than me.

3:00 am phone call: hey are you asleep?.......No. I'm skydiving...

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Funny Memes, Quotes and Lines Collection (Page1) | Quotsagram

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there..

My heart has no room for you but the trunk of my car definitely does.

BE STRONG.. I whispered to my WiFi signal..

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. the road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

My boss told me to have a good day.. So I went home.

Every thing I like is either expensive, illegal, or won't text me back.

Life is a d**k sometimes it gets hard for no reason.

I can't afford a vacation. So I am just going to drink until I don't know where I am.

It's okay if you disagree with me. I can't force you to be right.

Why are Iphone chargers not called apple juice?

If you are riding a donkey and someone throws rocks at you and you fall..Would that mean you were stoned off your ass.

Never trust an atom they make up everything..

If forty is the new thirty, and fifty is the new forty, why can't Thursday be the new Friday..

The best things in life either make you fat, drunk or pregnant.

Lazy people fact #35463098210. You were too lazy to read that number.

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understand the other person is a complete idiot.

I hate math..But I love counting money.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. -Gertrude Stein

I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water I'd drink it.

A woman has two problems: Nothing to wear. No room for all the clothes.

The word phonetically doesn't even start with an 'f'. Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us

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Funny Memes Quotes Sayings Collection (Page 2) | Quotsagram

Interviewer: so tell me about yourself. Me: I'd rather not.. Kinda want this job.

The last time I saw you, I was hoping it was the last time I saw you.

Never hint to a printer that you're in a rush. Those bastards smell fear.

I take super hot showers to practice burning in hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits...

That awkward moment between birth and death.

Heart: yeah you should tell him. brain: don't fucking do it. Alcohol: Sent,lol

You are not drunk until you have to grab onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

There is no such thing as an automatic door.. just gentleman ninjas.

Doctor: Do you suffer from arthritis? Patient: Do you know anyone who enjoys it.

Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it, but there is no need to show it off.

If you are going away with your kids, its not a vacation, its a change in location.

Airplanes have now banned tweezers. I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.

Zombies eat brains. you are safe.

If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every six months

Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Walmart but only four registers will be open

Askhole: a person who constantly asks for your advice, but always does the opposite of what you tell them.

A group of kids is called a migraine.

Cleaning house while the kids are home, is like shoveling snow while its still snowing.

Fun fact: Alcohol increases the size of the SEND button by 89 percent.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either.

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