| Interviewer: so tell me about yourself. Me: I'd rather not.. Kinda want this job. |
| The last time I saw you, I was hoping it was the last time I saw you. |
| Never hint to a printer that you're in a rush. Those bastards smell fear. |
| I take super hot showers to practice burning in hell. |
| It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits... |
| That awkward moment between birth and death. |
| Heart: yeah you should tell him. brain: don't fucking do it. Alcohol: Sent,lol |
| You are not drunk until you have to grab onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth. |
| There is no such thing as an automatic door.. just gentleman ninjas. |
| Doctor: Do you suffer from arthritis? Patient: Do you know anyone who enjoys it. |
| Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it, but there is no need to show it off. |
| If you are going away with your kids, its not a vacation, its a change in location. |
| Airplanes have now banned tweezers. I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane. |
| Zombies eat brains. you are safe. |
| If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every six months |
| Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Walmart but only four registers will be open |
| Askhole: a person who constantly asks for your advice, but always does the opposite of what you tell them. |
| A group of kids is called a migraine. |
| Cleaning house while the kids are home, is like shoveling snow while its still snowing. |
| Fun fact: Alcohol increases the size of the SEND button by 89 percent. |
| What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either. |
