| 8000+ sports to play but still people choose feelings |
| You can't drink all day...If you don't start in the morning. |
| I told myself that I should stop drinking. But I'm not about to listen to a drunk that talks to himself. |
| The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers. |
| I feel like water solves all problems.Wanna lose weight?drink water.tired of your man?drown him. |
| Sometimes I question my sanity, but the unicorn in the kitchen told me I'm fine. |
| When you try your hardest not to be a f**ker, but everyone you deal with is a f**ker,so you end up being a bigger fucker just to outf**k the f**kers. |
| You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo. |
| Me after death: slams gates of hell open, takes off shoes, high fives Satan. "I'm home.what's the fucking WiFi password? |
| Is google a "boy" or a "girl"? obviously a girl, because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas. |
| Most people write "congrats" because they don't know the spelling of "congrajulashions" |
| Think about it: every single corpse on Mt.Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy my friends. |
| After clipping my toddler's fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster. |
| Teacher:where's your book?student:at home teacher:and what is it doing there? student:having more fun than me. |
| 3:00 am phone call: hey are you asleep?.......No. I'm skydiving... |
