| If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. |
| My heart has no room for you but the trunk of my car definitely does. |
| BE STRONG.. I whispered to my WiFi signal.. |
| Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. the road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision. |
| My boss told me to have a good day.. So I went home. |
| Every thing I like is either expensive, illegal, or won't text me back. |
| Life is a d**k sometimes it gets hard for no reason. |
| I can't afford a vacation. So I am just going to drink until I don't know where I am. |
| It's okay if you disagree with me. I can't force you to be right. |
| Why are Iphone chargers not called apple juice? |
| If you are riding a donkey and someone throws rocks at you and you fall..Would that mean you were stoned off your ass. |
| Never trust an atom they make up everything.. |
| If forty is the new thirty, and fifty is the new forty, why can't Thursday be the new Friday.. |
| The best things in life either make you fat, drunk or pregnant. |
| Lazy people fact #35463098210. You were too lazy to read that number. |
| Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understand the other person is a complete idiot. |
| I hate math..But I love counting money. |
| Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. -Gertrude Stein |
| I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water I'd drink it. |
| A woman has two problems: Nothing to wear. No room for all the clothes. |
| The word phonetically doesn't even start with an 'f'. Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us |
