Funny Golf Quotes | Quotsagram

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

Golf is like marbles for adults.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme Putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour.

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. ~Hank Aaron

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

If a man comes home with sand in his cuffs and cockle-burs in his pants, don't ask him what he shot.

He can take his game to Europe, Africa, Asia or wherever he wants and the world will follow.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

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Funny and Humorous Golf Quotes | Quotsagram

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. -George Deukmejian

I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them.

Golf is like marriage; If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive .

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane; here's a valuable tip, your life is in trouble.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. -Henny Youngman

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. -Ben Hogan

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. -Brian Weis

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. -Jack Benny

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. -Lee Trevino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. -Lord Robertson

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. -Lee Trevino

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

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Funny Golf Quotes | Quotsagram

Golf is our favorite course.

There are more things to life than Golf... But I ignore them.

Happiness is a long walk with a putter. -Greg Norman

Cooking is like golf. You slice it, chip it and put it on some greens.

Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore', shoot six, and write down five. Paul Harvey

If you think its hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. -Jack Lemmon

I didn't miss the putt. I made the putt. The ball missed the hole. -Peter Jacobsen

Golf combines two American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick. -P.J O'Rourke

If it goes right, it's a slice. If it goes left, it's a hook. If it goes straight, it's a miracle.

To find a man's true character, play golf with him. -P.G Wodehouse

Saying golf is just a game is like saying an astronaut is just a pilot.

Golfing the way I do takes lots of balls.

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use one more club or two more two balls.

Born to golf but forced to work.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

My golf game is getting better. I miss the hole nearer now.

Golf balls are like eggs.. They are white. They are sold by the dozen. And a week later you have to buy more. -anonymous

I stay cool on the course. I hit the woods for the shade, then the pond to cool off.

It's an easy game, Just hard to play.

They named it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.

Don’t play too much golf.  Two rounds a day are plenty. -Harry Vardon

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Funny Chess Quotes Collection | Quotsagram

We don’t really know how the game was invented, though there are suspicions. As soon as we discover the culprits, we’ll let you know. -Bruce Pandolfini

When you absolutely don’t know what to do anymore, it is time to panic. -John van der Wiel

The stomach is an essential part of the Chess master. -Bent Larsen

The only thing Chess players have in common is Chess. -Lodewijk Prins

I had a toothache during the first game. In the second game I had a headache. In the third game it was an attack of rheumatism. In the fourth game, I wasn’t feeling well. And in the fifth game? Well, must one have to win every game? -Siegbert Tarrasch

Fischer prefers to enter Chess history alone. -Miguel Najdorf

It is always better to sacrifice your opponent’s men. -Savielly Tartakower

Pawns are born free, yet they are everywhere in chains. -Rick Kennedy

There are two types of sacrifices: correct ones, and mine. -Mikhail Tal

A man ceases to be a beginner in chess and becomes a master when he has learned that he is going to be a beginner all his life. -R.G. Collingwood

After a bad opening, there is hope for the middle game. After a bad middle game, there is hope for the endgame. But once you are in the endgame, the moment of truth has arrived. -Edmar Mednis

Chess is not like life... It has rules. -Mark Pasternak

When you play Bobby, it is not a question if you win or lose. It is a question if you survive. -Boris Spassky

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. -Woody Allen

I still hope to kill Fischer. -Boris Spassky

It is difficult to play against Einstein’s theory. -Mikhail Tal (when he lost his first game against Fischer)

The Pin is mightier than the sword. -Fred Reinfeld

Of Chess it has been said that life is not long enough for it, but that is the fault of life, not Chess. -William Ewart Napier

The passed Pawn is a criminal, who should be kept under lock and key. Mild measures, such as police surveillance, are not sufficient. -Aaron Nimzovich

No Chess Grandmaster is normal; they only differ in the extent of their madness. -Viktor Korchnoi

That’s what Chess is all about. One day you give your opponent a lesson, the next day he gives you one. -Bobby Fischer

The essence of Chess is thinking about what Chess is. -David Bronstein

Love is like a game of chess. One wrong move and you are married.

Arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pigeon. It'll just knock over all the pieces, shit on the board, and strut about like it's won anyway. -Anonymous

Also Read:
Chess Quotes about Life
Chess Sacrifice Quotes

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Homer Simpson Quotes | Quotsagram

My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine!

I’ve gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren’t just confined to zoos.

Well, I’m tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!

Throw them away? Are you mad woman? You never know when an old calendar may come in handy. Sure it’s not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow might bring?

Stupid risks are what make life worth living.

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.

The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a beer bottle, they’re on TV.

Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep… in a giant blender.

Bart! With $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like… love!

Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!

I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. (1) Cover for me (2) Oh, good idea Boss! (3) It was like that when I got here.

You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

What is a wedding? Webster’s Dictionary defines a wedding as ‘The process of removing weeds from one’s garden.

The sun? That’s the hottest place on Earth.

Nobody gets into heaven without a glowstick.

I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman!

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Funny Quotes on Coding for that Coding Geeks | Quotsagram

When money is lost, nothing is lost; when health is lost, something is lost; when character is lost, 8 bits are lost.

If brute force doesn’t solve your problems, then you aren’t using enough.

Only half of programming is coding. The other 90% is debugging.

The 90/90 rule of coding: The first 90% of a code project will take 90% of the development time. The last 10% of the project will take the other 90% of the development time. -DonZatch

The best thing about a Boolean is even if you are wrong, you are only off by a bit.

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. "No" is the answer.

There is no place like 127.0.0.1

UNIX is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully.

Pasting code from the Internet into production code is like chewing gum found in the street.

Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code.

Java is to JavaScript what Car is to Carpet. -Chris Heilmann

One man’s constant is another man’s variable. -Alan J. Perlis

Developer: an organism that turns coffee into code.

Programming languages, like pizzas, come in only two sizes: too big and too small. -Richard Pattis

Programming can be fun, so can cryptography; however they should not be combined. -Kreitzberg and Shneiderman

It´s better to wait for a productive programmer to become available than it is to wait for the first available programmer to become productive. -Steve McConnell

Did you know? The collective noun for a group of programmers is a merge-conflict. -Unknown

Being a good programmer is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet.

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Funny Drinking Quotes Collection | Quotsagram

Alcoholic friends are as easy to make as Sea Monkeys.  -Dry (Augusten Burroughs)

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy. -Frank Sinatra

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -Henry Youngman

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -Dave Barry

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. -Joe E. Lewis

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. -Oscar Wilde

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on. -Oscar Levant

Drinking beer doesn’t make you fat; it makes you lean… against bars, tables, chairs, and poles. -Unknown

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. -George Burns

If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I’m thirsty, not dirty. -Joe E. Lewis

I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been overserved. -George Gobel

I got so wasted one night I waited for the stop sign to change, and it did. -Steve Krabitz

Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol. -N.F. Simpson

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Funny Thinking Quotes Collection | Quotsagram

Whenever you feel stupid, remember there are people outside looking for Pokemon.

Ladies, if a man says he'll do something, he'll do it. No need to remind him every six months about it.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t, either. -Dick Cavett

Your cellphone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock. Please don't let it replace your family.

Before you assume, try this crazy method called "asking".

An "ex" is called an "ex" because its an EXample of what you shouldn't have again in the future.

What if I told you, I already told you and you didn't listen.

I don't trust joggers. They're always the ones who find dead bodies. Just Saying.

Don't drink and drive, because there are people out there who text and drive.. And when they hit you, it will be your fault.

Obesity is not because it runs in the family. It is because no one runs in the family.

If you're gonna make love with the person whom you love so much, do it wearing the safest thing... A wedding Ring.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t. -Unknown

Developer: an organism that turns coffee into code.

Auto correct can go straight to he'll.

Never answer an anonymous letter. -Yogi Berra

What is a wedding? Webster’s Dictionary defines a wedding as ‘The process of removing weeds from one’s garden.

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Funny Memes Quotes Lines Collection (Page 3) | Quotsagram

8000+ sports to play but still people choose feelings

You can't drink all day...If you don't start in the morning.

I told myself that I should stop drinking. But I'm not about to listen to a drunk that talks to himself.

The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

I feel  like water solves all problems.Wanna lose weight?drink water.tired of your man?drown him.

Sometimes I question my sanity, but the unicorn in the kitchen told me I'm fine.

When you try your hardest not to be a f**ker, but everyone you deal with is a f**ker,so you end up being a bigger fucker just to outf**k the f**kers.

You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.

Me after death: slams gates of hell open, takes off shoes, high fives Satan. "I'm home.what's the fucking WiFi password?

Is google a "boy" or a "girl"? obviously a girl, because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

Most people write "congrats" because they don't know the spelling of "congrajulashions"

Think about it: every single corpse on Mt.Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy my friends.

After clipping my toddler's fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

Teacher:where's your book?student:at home teacher:and what is it doing there? student:having more fun than me.

3:00 am phone call: hey are you asleep?.......No. I'm skydiving...

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Funny Memes, Quotes and Lines Collection (Page1) | Quotsagram

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there..

My heart has no room for you but the trunk of my car definitely does.

BE STRONG.. I whispered to my WiFi signal..

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. the road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

My boss told me to have a good day.. So I went home.

Every thing I like is either expensive, illegal, or won't text me back.

Life is a d**k sometimes it gets hard for no reason.

I can't afford a vacation. So I am just going to drink until I don't know where I am.

It's okay if you disagree with me. I can't force you to be right.

Why are Iphone chargers not called apple juice?

If you are riding a donkey and someone throws rocks at you and you fall..Would that mean you were stoned off your ass.

Never trust an atom they make up everything..

If forty is the new thirty, and fifty is the new forty, why can't Thursday be the new Friday..

The best things in life either make you fat, drunk or pregnant.

Lazy people fact #35463098210. You were too lazy to read that number.

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understand the other person is a complete idiot.

I hate math..But I love counting money.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. -Gertrude Stein

I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water I'd drink it.

A woman has two problems: Nothing to wear. No room for all the clothes.

The word phonetically doesn't even start with an 'f'. Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us

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Funny Memes Quotes Sayings Collection (Page 2) | Quotsagram

Interviewer: so tell me about yourself. Me: I'd rather not.. Kinda want this job.

The last time I saw you, I was hoping it was the last time I saw you.

Never hint to a printer that you're in a rush. Those bastards smell fear.

I take super hot showers to practice burning in hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits...

That awkward moment between birth and death.

Heart: yeah you should tell him. brain: don't fucking do it. Alcohol: Sent,lol

You are not drunk until you have to grab onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

There is no such thing as an automatic door.. just gentleman ninjas.

Doctor: Do you suffer from arthritis? Patient: Do you know anyone who enjoys it.

Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it, but there is no need to show it off.

If you are going away with your kids, its not a vacation, its a change in location.

Airplanes have now banned tweezers. I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.

Zombies eat brains. you are safe.

If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every six months

Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Walmart but only four registers will be open

Askhole: a person who constantly asks for your advice, but always does the opposite of what you tell them.

A group of kids is called a migraine.

Cleaning house while the kids are home, is like shoveling snow while its still snowing.

Fun fact: Alcohol increases the size of the SEND button by 89 percent.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either.

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