| I admit that my level of weirdness is above the national average, but I'm comfortable with that. |
| I'm not everyone's cup of tea... But I drink coffee. So f**k them. |
| It's been a rough week. But I didn't need bail money and I don't have a body count, so it could have been worse. |
| Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle. |
| I don't understand your specific kind of crazy, but I do admire your total commitment to it. |
| 'As f**k' is my favorite unit of measurement. |
| Raising kids is like walk in the park. Jurassic park. |
| This is the Mondayest Monday that ever Mondayed. |
| I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in the car, while using my phone as a torch. |
| What doesn't kill you disappoints me. |
| I don't trust joggers. They're always the ones who find dead bodies. Just saying. |
| Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an over grown man child who can't take care of himself. |
| An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough. |
| Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade. |
| Do regular dogs see police dogs and think "Oh, no it's a cop?" |
| If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know, that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live. |
| Arguing with a woman is like reading the software license agreement. In the ened, you ignore everything and click "I agree". |
| Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses. |
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